CA-125

I couldn't decide wether or not to post about this topic or not. But since today is turning out to be the longest day ever and the potential of receiving life changing news I thought I would post some of what is going through my head!

For those of you who don't know what CA-125 is, it is a blood test that screens for ovarian cancer. I had blood drawn last Thursday should get the results back sometime today. I currently have an 11.4 cm cyst on my right ovary. To put that in perspective my GYN described as the size of a newborn's head. You can actually see and feel not the cyst but the internal stuff that it is pushing against. For the most part these cyst in pre-menopausal women(which I still am) are usually benign. But when you go to the doctor for something like this they always treat while it is still unknown for the worse possible case scenario, the big C. If this CA-125 blood test comes back with numbers in the normal range I will escaped the first and biggest hurdle in this. In fact he is sending me to a GYN-Oncologist to have it removed!

So those who know me and read this blog, know I have the flare for drama! It is no wonder where my kids get it(I do always blame it on their dad). I have been thinking after today no matter what the results are I probably will never be the same. I will never look at my kids the same, hug them the same or kiss them the same. Malcolm the other night prayed that we have the strength and are able to endure God's will, and His will be done and I gasped. I want my will! I want life here with my family especially my children. I want to be their mother. I am not ready yet. So that has been in my prayers. For the most part I feel pretty good and hope full about the outcome, and I get the feeling that this is going to be something that just needs to be taken care of. But then there is that darker part of my brain that says...Most people are probably distracted by what a beautiful day it is when then they are slammed by a freight train!

Okay, setting drama aside, this is what I want to remember from this day. The thoughts I have before the results come in, which is the closeness I have felt to my Heavenly Father as I have sought Him in my time of need for comfort and peace and felt His love. The knowing that He gives that when everything isn't okay it will be through Him. I have frequently thought of one scripture and one hymn to help remind me of this: John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." and "Be Still My Soul Thy God, Thy Lord is on Your Side." So, one thing I know for sure, when this day is over, and as Malcolm prayed, His will be done and I WILL have the strength to endure.