Sisters

I have been thinking a lot about sisters, I have been keeping up with the NieNie dialogues through her sister's blog, cjane. I have often been jealous of the relationship these 4 women share. I have never experience that kind of love from a woman who shared my DNA and grew up in the same house. Yes, I have a sister but she is mentally ill and that sisterly relationship from the time I can remember was full humiliation, violence, manipulation, deception and the list goes on, I wish that this was an exaggeration and but it is not and to give you a glimpse of the relationship I have had with her, here is one story:
We were at her wedding reception to her 2nd husband, she had too much to drink and decided to make an announcement. She announced to everyone there how much she hated me and the reasons why, then smacked me up side the head with some object while I wasn't looking. I left.

Now that you are feeling pretty sorry for me, don't. Because I have been pondering lately how lucky I am because I have lots of Sisters, ones who don't share my DNA but have given me the relationship those sisters feel.

I have girlfriends who I have been friends with for over 25 years who affectionately my children call "Aunts." I have a friend who we met in college, whose children call me Aunt. I have a friend who I was acquainted with through neighbors then it turned into a lasting sister friend. All of these women know me inside and out, and not one ounce of DNA shared. These were the ones at my wedding, birth of my son, with me in the ups and downs of trying to conceive Katy as well as the joys and struggles of everyday life. I am so lucky to have them in my life and to have their love and friendships.

Now just when you were thinking how lucky I am, it gets better! I belong to a church that my membership includes belonging to the women's organization called, The Relief Society. At church we refer to each of as Sisters because we share one Heavenly Father. It hasn't mattered where I have lived they have always been here. They are women who will watch your children in a pinch, bring a meal when needed and offer friendship shared by faith. They were also there at my wedding, the birth of my son, the ups and downs of trying to conceive Katy as well as the joys and struggles of everyday life. There faces have been different but their hearts the same, full of love for our Savior and ready to serve the ones he loves.

I know what your thinking, now you are jealous of me! But wait I am not done. It was about 8 years ago that my brother brought home this beautiful girl for us to meet. They courted, were engaged and engaged then a year ago this week they were married! Giving me a Sister! No, no DNA but it is by marriage and I will take it. She is sweet, considerate, kind, loving and belongs to our family, my sister, my friend. I will share DNA with her children.

So, they say one shouldn't pity one self but I think it is okay. After all if I didn't spend that 30 minutes boohooing about the DNA sister life dealt me. I might not of been so reflective about all my sisters I do have. I truly am grateful for each and every one of them. And if you are one of them reading this, know how much I love you.

It's Good To Be The Princess

For those of you that have been to Disney know what I am talking about, all cast members there will call you children prince or princess. Katy has been going since right before her second birthday, and I think she truly believes she is a princess. She has the poise of a princess, she watches the mannerism very closely while we are there and emulates them. She will curtsy and kiss each cheek. She begins many of her sentences with "Oh, my" When we went to Rita's Water Ice just the other day, she asked "A small princess mango, please." The man behind the counter turned to her brother for clarification. Then he indulge her(just like her family does) and said " one small princess mango for the princess." My mom often says we are lucky she lets us be apart of her world.

Fourth Grade and Deodorant

Ask MG the best part about 4th grade and he will tell you, well maybe not you but he has confessed this to me, that it is changing gym clothes and wearing deodorant. All summer he kept having me check if his had gotten his "man smell" yet. I being the indulging mother I am would smell his armpits after a long hot summer day and say nope just sweaty kid smell, he then ask if I was sure because it smelled like it to him. He would walk away disappointed. We played this out at least 3 days a week, each time he was for sure he had his "man smell." So now that it is a requirement to have deodorant for after gym, he feels he has been validated.

So along those same lines, he is in the bathroom a couple of days ago and hollers out "do you think Joe will be jealous if I get my man hairs before him? This shock and surprised mama says WHAT? he repeats, I ask very curious since he is only 10 which man hairs are you talking about? His reply, you know the ones that grow on my legs, arm pits and personals. My reply "ugh, not sure, why?" Because I am getting them now. Oh, is all I could say. My sweet son is not so modest and I have seen him naked everyday, in fact just that morning and didn't notice. So maybe it is peach fuzz getting thicker? who knows! I did ask Joe's mom if she thought he would be jealous, her reply "you know they are pretty competitive."

So I pick Katy up from preschool today, and she gets in the van, buckles her seat belt and then smells both her arm pits. Then looks up at me and announces "Yup, I got it." Got what I ask?, "My woman smell" she says.

What is it with both my kids want to smell funky?

Disney Vacation

This is always my favorite vacation. At the end of the day we are all totally exhausted and some of us tend to be a little grouchy but it is after a day well spent. We had such a great time, MG, Mom and I got sick with a cold towards the end. We were given Dream Fast Passes at Hollywood Studios and I absolutely LOVED the new Toy Story ride. Katy went to the Bippity Bobbity Boutique and got the princess do she is sporting in the picture. Do you see how tight her hair is pulled into that bun? She did not complain once, now last night trying to blow dry her hair for picture day you would of thought I was ripping her hair out one strand at a time! Everything must be truly magical there. I am trying to think of one favorite thing that stands out and I can't. People will ask me why we go back year after year, but I think they are the same people who look at it as just an amusement park. You know I am already thinking about next year's trip, hopefully we will still be able to get there in this economy!

My Business Trip

Yup, you read that right this stay at home Mom, part time mystery shopper got to go on a all expensive paid business trip to Chicago. My company sent me there to evaluate stores in the Chicago area and give them feed back on how they were similar and different from the stores I shop in my area. A couple of years ago I referred my long time friend for they mystery shopping job and she was selected to go as well. So off to Chicago for us. It was like a girls weekend. Although we were very busy doing what we had gone for, we still went out and saw some sights. I loved Chicago, could not get over how clean it was for a large city. I liked it so much I keep telling Malcolm we need to take a family vacation there. I was thinking it wold be nice to rent a cottage on Lake Michigan that was driving distance to Chicago so we could also check out all the things to do. Although I enjoyed myself, I still kept thinking how much fun this would of been to be with my family. Everything we did and saw we both would comment how much fun this would be to be with our kids, and every once in awhile we would say with our husbands too. We went to the American Girl Place, and Sharon I think was a little sad because she was experiencing it for the first time with me and not one of her daughters. I told her she could close her eyes I would lead her out and we could act like it never happened. Then a friend of mine, recommend this great Mexican restaurant, and it was good. He was a Navy Chief stationed at Great Lakes before he met his wife. All though it was really good Mexican food it was in the bar district of the city and we went on Friday night which was 8-8-08, and they were having a party. I called his wife the next day to tell her where her husband sent us and said, next time he recommends somewhere I will have to inquire is it from his Navy days or church and family days! Ha Ha, we still enjoyed our dinner, it was fun watching all the party goers. Other highlights included seeing Wrigley field, Navy pier, window shopping on Michigan Ave. and walking a path along Lake Michigan in the North Shore area. One highlight included being bumped off our flight going there and given a complimentary round trip airline ticket for anywhere in the US, except Alaska and Hawaii.

Also, I was really impressed with my husband and how he entertain the kids, fed them and kept up with the schedule. He remember the Boy Scout Rain Gutter Regatta Picnic, took them swimming at the pool club, pack a picnic lunch and took them to a Smithsonian. He even cooked dinner, most nights. They didn't eat fast food once while I was away....Go Malcolm!

I am glad to be home, I missed my family!

Our Staycation

So the kids and I after Rehoboth went to my mom's for a staycation, that is when you don't drive far to take your vacation. We used my mom's house as the home base for the week. It was the best! Everyone is spoiled at Grandma's including the mom. We spent a day with one of my girlfriends from college and her kids in Oxford. One day we went to Douglassville to our old neighborhood to visit Leslie and her two kids. One evening we went with my friend Tammy and her husband Fred to Rose Tree Media Park to hear an outdoor concert of the Irish band, Blackthorn. The kids had a great time, Katy wants to take up Irish dancing. You can check them out at their website http://www.irishthing.com/

We also went to Grammy's work, she wanted to show the kids or so she says. I think she wanted to show off the grandbabies. I got to go out to dinner to PF Changs with another girlfriend and have grown up conservation. Then Sunday my mom served a Mexican dinner with fajitas and tamales in honor of my birthday, so more friends gathered! This morning as I was loading the van, Katy was refusing to leave. I practically had to drag her out from under my mom's bed. Everyone enjoyed the staycation!!

Rehoboth Getaway

We had such a great time for our little overnight trip to the beach. We seem to pack in so much in such a short 24 hours. We enjoyed the beach, the hotel pool, great seafood dinner, shopping and my favorite Grotto's pizza. The two biggest differences in going to the beach in the north as opposed to going to Myrtle Beach, it is so crowded on the beach. That is one thing I love about going to Myrtle is that you don't lay blanket to blanket. The other is the water is so cold up here. By the time we go in August the ocean water is like bath water. It was so great to get away to the beach however it has made us miss our week at the beach this year. Malcolm and I said definitely next year we will be going to Myrtle! It is so worth the drive.

MG turns 10

I can hardly believe he has turned 10! It was actually a sad occasion for me, in the midst of the birthday celebration I realized that we were over halfway to 18! Where has the time gone, it feels like yesterday he was a baby. Knowing how fast these 10 years have gone by, the realization the the next 10 will go equally as fast sadden me. I tell him all the time he can live with me forever! Although he finds comfort in that now, I am sure there is going to be a day when he is ready to break free from his mom. I don't think I will ever be ready for that day. I enjoy him, he is such a pleasure to be around. And he still likes and wants my hugs and kisses!

These are a few things that are important and his favorite at 10:

• Legos
• Playmobil
• Webkinz
• Payday, on Thursdays if he does his chores
• History Channel
• Rita's water ice
• Scouts

These are the things he sees in his future at 10:

• Having a wife, there are a few girls he has picked out now, and I will say he chooses well, lets see who is still around.....
• He wants to drive a Mustang GT, the kind that looks like the one in the 60s
• He wants to serve a mission for our church and hopes they send him to China
• He wants to be a neurosurgeon.

I have always felt blessed to be his Mom, he is an extraordinary kid!

The Withdrawl

Well I did it. On Friday I officially withdrew our application for adoption from LaVida. I have put it to the side for sooo long. As I have come to the conclusion that this is just not the right time for us. Now, I am not saying I feel one hundred percent our family is complete but it is not the right time for us. Any who, I was surprised at my reaction..... I cried and cried. But it is truly not the right time for us and what prompted me on Friday for the withdrawal on Wednesday we found out that in September Malcolm will be loosing 20% of his income. So with withdrawaling officially hopefully we will get our fee back that we paid. His decreased income is the result of the economic times and a grant not being renewed. Hopefully it will be covered somewhere else and it won't happen or he just finds another job!!! How am I dealing with the stress? I am sporting a big fever blister on my bottom lip.

Also, back to I cried and cried. I think there will always be a part of me that will continue to grieve for the family I didn't have. Don't misunderstand this, I am truly grateful for the family I have now and awed that I get to be a mother to the children I have. They're such a gift and a blessing. I just hope one day I feel we are complete.

A Flawed System

For those of you whoever wondered how a child ends up with serious harm once Children and Family Services are involved here is how it happens! This story involves my family, so I will give you the history on why the call was placed.

My sister is a bipolar alcoholic, who if you know her it is like a roller coaster! Since she had her daughter, a month shy of 6 years ago has depended on her family for all kinds of support. All but one year she has lived with our mother since her daughter was born. She is the queen of bad decision making with no concept of long term consequences, she is an instant gratification kind of girl. Case in point in 2005 she had her boyfriend take pictures of her and mailed them into Hustler magazine, which this past summer earned her $300 when they were published. So she meets this guy on the Internet dates him for 4 months and decides to marry him in a month. After the marriage, thinks it is a great idea for this man she has not known for at least a year to adopt her daughter. Now I will tell you that when she was married to her 2nd husband, she legally adopted his son, which when they split up she fought paying child support and now to this day she has nothing to do with him. Yup you guess it she is a walk away kind of gal. Her current, 3rd husband is about $80,000 in debt because of consumer and lawyer fees of fighting his ex wife over custody of their boys. Which he tells us it would be great if he could adopt her because this way he wouldn't have to pay as much child support to his ex wife and would have another deduction on taxes. So yes the interfering family that we are step in and said No it is not a good idea that he adopts your daughter. Called the biological father and told him why we thought it wasn't a good idea and please don't sign off. Thank goodness he didn't. This made the husband very mad and it was directed at my mom, partly because he is a coward picking on a 65 year old lady. During this time these are the things we have learned about him in their first year of marriage, caught him in lies about his past, has porn addiction, ex wife accused him of child porn and kick my sister out of the house twice, once she had to call police because of his bad temper. This is what we know he has done to her daughter, taken a bath with her(that turns my stomach!), stepped on her foot when she would not get out of his way(hard enough to leave a mark and left her with a limp), disciplines her with a trick: if she argues with him he will tell her to go ahead and do it and when she does she is spanked, spanked when she spills something and was never spanked until they were married and has only been by him. When we confronted my sister with this she would defend her husband telling us how she is trying to save her marriage. This is the incident that lead to the phone call to Children and Family Services: She was sitting on my mom's lap and they were reading a story, mom put her hands on her hips to move her and she winced. Inquiring what happen, she was in bed doing her homework and had a question and started down stairs to ask her mom that is when her step father stop her at the top of the steps and told her to go back to her room, she didn't listen and he spanked her hard enough to make her loose her balance and fall a couple of steps bruising her hip. When my sister was confronted again defended her husband. That day was the last time my mom has seen her granddaughter.

This is why I think the system is flawed:

I will agree I don't think that would warrant a child being removed from the home. I would think it could constitute parenting classes for both of them. The social worker assigned to the case never contacted any one in our family, including the person who made the call for a different side of this so called family. The didn't conduct any surprise visits to the house only scheduled ones, show up there any given Monday afternoon and my sister has put away a 12 pack. Led the social worker to believe this was all at the hands of a jealous over dramatic interfering mother in law and this social worker believed them, shame on her. Case is now closed.

So, where is it today? Well right after this happen my mom got harassing phone calls from her and his family which didn't stop until I told my sister we recorded them and would file charges if they continued. My sister has told my mom she is the cause of all their problems and now that she is out of their life she is at peace and they have a wonderful marriage. She told her she will spare her daughter the life of dysfunction and will fight to protect her from my mom. And that my mom needs therapy. What do I think? Crazy is as Crazy does! The girl is Crazy, mentally unstable. My mom will pursue grandparents rights. Even though she was told by my sister that if she did and lost she would never see her granddaughter again. Then, lastly she told mom that her granddaughter didn't even ask about her.

For the four years it took to get pregnant with Katy, it was a really difficult time for me. It was more than the 3-4 times a week trip into Center City, Philadelphia at 6am, more than all the crazy hormone pills or shots I gave myself, more than all invasive procedures and when I say invasive I mean the doctors, nurses, ultra sound techs saw more of me than my husband ever did, more that the track marks left in my arm by the viles of blood they would take to know what my hormones were up to, it was the emotional pain that I agonized over the most. These emotions of wanting another child are still very raw and painful for me even to this day. I always thought the emotions would be different if I was adopting, I was so wrong. What I didn't know is that receiving the information packet would bring all of that pain of infertility back, because once again I needed someone else and their approval to have a child. After having Katy I knew I never wanted to go through that again but here I am...

I have been thinking(among other things) a lot lately about our adoption plan. No I haven't gotten out the information packet, it is still in the basket in my kitchen. Infact, if my eyes happen to catch a glimpse of it my body just shudders with intimidation and fear. But usually when I have my next thought it comes after prayer or scripture study or quiet times during one of my many trips to and from Westminister taking and picking up kids from school. I was thinking what is my journey. We all get to where we are at, whether it be physically, emotionally, spiritually,or intellectually by taking our own journeys. So here is my epiphany: This is my journey it is the road we(I, Malcolm is just along for the ride) need to take to know the decision we make or the outcome is the one right for our family. Maybe it is what I needed to go through to have undenying faith that there is another one out there that will join our family and then again this journey will also let me know that our family is complete. A dear friend that I have made here in Maryland titled her blog "Wait a little while to welcome what you're after" and I think that is what I am doing. What am I after my complete family, whom ever that might include.

Katy Rose

This girl is funny. She doesn't mean to be. Some of the things she says..... I came around the corner the other to find her using a roll of tape to secure closed her Dad's Valentine's cards, when I asked her what she was doing she told me "my licker wasn't good enough." Last night we were laying in bed, and she announces to be that when she has her birthday party we can't invite one of the girls from her preschool class at school. When I asked why she told me it was because she has bad breath. I told Katy that is okay she can still be her friend and she could come to her party. Her reply.."aaah mom, I have a nose you know."

I thought I was having a real tender moment with her waiting in the pickup line at school. She was singing I AM CHILD OF GOD, very sweetly and sincere, just as my eyes were welling up she finishes the song and then breaks out into Elvis' Hunka Hunka Burning Love. Yes, in addition to the Primary Song CD for church we have been listening to the sound track from Lilo and Stitch. Katy and Stitch are very similar in some ways. Our family would be boring without her that's for sure.

I AM LOVED

I couldn't write about this last week when it happened, it was too emotional for me. As you all know how I freaked out after getting the information packet from LaVida, during this time I literally cried out unto our Heavenly Father (on my knees, sobbing, very much with no self control, saying just what came to my mind, a true pouring out of my heart and lacking reverence that my prayers usually have) "I asked Him how come He couldn't just send someone to me with a baby that needed a mom, how come no body could see me for the good mom that I am and want me to raise their child as mine, could He please just send a baby to me." After I had prayed that I felt guilty, I felt like I had just ask to win the lottery or asked for something impossible. I even asked for forgiveness for that prayer. That was on Tuesday, Feb. 4th. This is how our Heavenly Father responded..... I got a phone call on Monday, Feb. 11 from one of my dearest friends, we have been girlfriends now for about 25 years. Her mom was talking to her father's stepmother(that is a very complicated family tree so hang with me). Apparently her granddaughter who is about 20 is pregnant. This young woman has 2 children already that the state of Florida has terminated her parental rights with that her mom is raising. She asked her mom if she would take this child and her mom said no, she just couldn't. She knows that if she tries to keep this baby the state will take it also. She doesn't want to have an abortion. My friend's mom knowing we would like to adopt told the pregnant girls grandma about my family. The grandma talked with the pregnant girls mom and before they aproached her wanted to know if I was interested. So, my friend called me and asked if I was interested in adopting this baby. I cried and cried and cried, I couldn't talk. I am not sure what is going to happen from here, of course I said yes after all it was what I asked Heavenly Father for. My emotions were not from the idea of this could be my next child but I have a Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, realized my heart was breaking and reach down to let me know He is there, He is listening no matter how impossible the prayer might seem to me, He let me know everything is possible through Him. I don't know if they have talked to the pregnant girl yet or not. What I took from that experience was my Heavenly Father's love, and at the time that is what I needed to know.

Having children has always been an ordeal, a trial, and huge test of faith for me. I thought adopting would be different, would go different emotionally but I am having such a hard time with it and honestly I not sure I am strong enough. I just don't know how everything is going to work from here. I am having the hardest time with knowing His will as opposed to mine, that is why I haven't completely thrown in the towel. I know I might look strong on the outside, but the inside it is all mush!!

Freaked OUT!

Okay, I am not sure myself what happen, but I can tell you I totally Freak Out Tuesday night after sitting down to read the information packet sent from our adoption agency. Called my good friend(who adopted couple years ago from China) on the verge of hysterical crying asking her what did I do! Every reason why we should not do this came to mind, I even emailed our agency asking if we didn't proceed at this point would we get our money back! Spent most of the week an emotional wreck, crying for most of it. Oh, and fighting off panic attacks. Really wondering what have I gotten my family into. Floating through my thoughts were more reasons why not to adopt than there were to proceed. Well she talked me off the ledge and gave me some very sound advice, come to find out it was the same advice I gave her when she was deciding to go to nursing school, pray about it. Pretty simple huh? Well I have to admit that I haven't had the frame of mind to listen for an answer when I have prayed. So, I needed to change focus and proceed with caution. I needed first to seek for inner peace, I started just to ask for comfort and peace, I decided to take on the Hinckley Challenge and read the Book of Mormon in 97 days in remembrance of our Beloved Prophet who just passed away recently, during this time I plan to read it for nourishment for my soul and focus on those scriptures that really testify of the love Jesus Christ has for each of us. Today I also asked for a blessing from our home teacher. With all these things I hope to place my heart in the right place so when I shall seek these answers that I will have an unshakeable testimony that I am following the Lords will and not mine. I feel as if I am standing at a fork in the road with the two directions to take and knowing each one is life altering, knowing either way is okay to take, but not knowing which one our Heavenly Father wants our family journey down. So I am going to take some time and figure out which one is for us, that way the next bump in the road we hit I will know it is just part of the journey and not a road block.

I am still afraid to look into the information packet again, it is a very intimidating pack of paper work. I am thinking of having someone come and seperate it out and put them in seperate envelopes so I don't freak out! They could put them in order in which to accomplish!! That way I would never have to look at them all at once again.

My New Weight Loss Plan

One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from The Devil Wears Prada, it is where the skinny receptionist says, "I am one stomach flu away from my goal weight." Well having the stomach virus twice in almost one week, I have decided that it is my new weight loss plan. I must say that this one makes WW points system seem like a piece of cake!! I first came down with it a week ago last Thursday and since then the entire family has gotten it! And Friday night/early Saturday morning it returned back to me! Hows does that happen? I literally thought I was safe since I was the one who introduced it to the family. The funny thing is was that because of the anticipation I had built up over LaVida accepting us or not, and being some what of an emotional cookie eater, I had made cookies about 3 out of 5 days and thought to myself that this would be a better week to have gotten the stomach virus to undue all the damage. Well next time I will becareful of what I wish/think of as new remedie for weight loss.

WOOO HOOOO!

I opened an email last night that contained the words, "it appears from your application that you meet Colombia's specifications for the adoption process." Words can't explain how excited I was to read that sentence I just started crying, my son came out and wanted to know if they were happy or sad tears. Happy happy happy tears! Malcolm is equally excited however now he realizes that he has some work to do!(if you are wondering what work, refer back to the home study post and that should clarify) However he did get started last night, working in the basement.

So what happens next? We will be getting an informational package in the mail and it should arrive next week. It will break everything down into steps that we should accomplish and in what time frames. LaVida will hold our hands through this whole process!

Well, it feels like I have peed on a stick this morning and now I will have to wait 7-10 days to find out the results. Many of you have asked if I have gotten started with the process, my answer has always been "No, I am going to wait until....." you can fill in the blank with my various excuses. But as I finally admitted to a close friend it has been fear of rejection behind the many excuses not to get started. When you and your husband are not the ones in control of your own family planning, it is an aspect that is full of disappointment, sadness and heartbreak. After Katy I thought I would never be brave or strong enough to endure the desire of wanting another child. Then, I let myself wonder and prayerfully seek adoption because in my mind it felt like the only sure thing. Well I can attest that this morning it doesn't feel that way. I am just as scared, nervous and emotional as I was over previous attempts to have another child. So, this morning I peed on the stick and we are awaiting acceptance from the adoption agency we chose to use, our application has been sent off.